“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
why no one uses midhusbands
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.