WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Just ordered me some pizza!
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Attacked by a mop.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I have obtained a hat
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*