Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
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A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
found my next D&D character name
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
pat pat
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Candles never taste the way they smell
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.