Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
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[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.