Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
You Might Also Like
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh