Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”