*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Home #decor warning.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Support your local cemetery
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I love you…
…r dog.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.