Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“i am a sweet baby”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces