This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.