So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.