Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
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Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it