After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
You Might Also Like
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”