So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table