“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Denise please return my vape pen
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.