Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
no!! no!!!!!!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.