Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
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waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
put ‘er there pardner!
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.