FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
live long and prosper!
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.