Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume