I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses