Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
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[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Interior design 👌
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.