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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
accurate
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff