(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I love art.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist