I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.