You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
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One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.