I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
You Might Also Like
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.