My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*