Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.