Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
how it started vs how it ended
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?