Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
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[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
umm…
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Guy who likes music
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future