First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
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Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
oh you wanna fight?!
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Never be a pizza!
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples