I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
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My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
This could be us… but you playing
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*