With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
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Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
time machine? you mean a clock?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Mood.. 😂
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard