Sorry I made promises on Friday
You Might Also Like
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Support your local cemetery
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps