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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”