[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.