Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.