do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.