if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]