Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.