I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
You Might Also Like
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Spring cleaning checklist…
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right