My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Saw online –
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash