If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed