i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat