me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I came this close!!!!
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.