Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?