Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults