Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.