My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars