“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
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them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Good boy 😂😂
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.