Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
You Might Also Like
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.